Missing...

Once again I am missing "him". The good thing is I am not calling him...lol...using my blog as therapy. This has been a very trying week for me. I have been sick for about...gosh...2 weeks I guess and on Thursday I find out I have walking pnuemonia. Friday...well...he called and I thought we were going to have a civil conversation...BUT...it got ugly quick. Saturday...my ex-husband was shot in a hunting accident. It's funny how many emotions run through the mind when tragedy strikes. He's going to be fine...but at the time it was very scary...I will always have deep feelings for him...I mean damn we have 2 children. He has a current girlfriend and obvioulsy a mother...but he called me first...I love the bond we have now. Man it took a long time to get where he and I are...great friends. Life is so full of changes and I keep saying I am not psychotic and at the same time I am thinking maybe I am. I have done so many things that are out of character for me lately that I just need to get "me" back. One thing I need is to know how and why I lost "me" in the first place. I really thought I was stronger than the person I have become. I have an ex-fiance that I am still very close to. When he and I parted it was mutual. We talk all the time and when my current situation started getting out of control I called him for some advice. I wanted to know what it is about me that I can't seem to get any relationship right. He proceeded to tell me that none of my relationship dramas ended with me at fault. Now, I beg to differ...not saying I am the only blame, but I have to take ownership to the part I played. Anyway long story short...we talked and I got a little insight. I think one issue I have is I love really deep...if that makes any sense. What I mean is when I love someone...I give them all of me...and I just assume they are giving me all of them...not the case...I am giving them the "super size"...they are giving me the "value meal". So now here we are...I am talking to him Saturday and he proceeds to tell me he has never stopped loving me and if I ask him to come "home" he'll come here to live and be with me. It would be so easy...BUT I can't do that...I still care for him...A LOT!!! But that would not be fair to him or me...my heart is with someone else right now. I told him this and the fool said...when you are ready to come get I'll be here. He seems to think that had he followed through with our plans my heart would not be broken right now and a couple of my medical conditions would not be present...RIDICULOUS!!! I believe everything happens for a reason and I think my thousands of "why me?" questions will be answered in due time...