Okay...I get it...

I shipped his things to him today...I hope the true healing process will begin now...thanks for the comments...MsI...as usual...you are keeping me in check. Starting today I am moving forward with my life...no looking back...

I have asked him not to contact me I think that will make it easier for me. Anyway, keep me in your prayers. These past few posts...I am not sure who she is...I have always been stronger than this...

Alrighty Then...

Okay...so I am weak ya'll...a little...LOL...

Monday night I call my bestfriend she's snoozing so I called her mother. She and I talked for about 2 hours and she gave me great advice. She told me the first thing I need to do is cease calling and emailing D*****. She said that if he hasn't called me in 2 weeks time it IS over and he has no feelings or desires to rekindle us...and at that time I hadn't talked to him for like 2 days already. I told her I could do that, and I agreed...I feel like if you care for someone you will not go longer than 2 weeks without contact. Anyway...I admit I am kinda weird...lastnight I lay in my bed...NOT sleeping (I have become an insomniac...I think)...anyways...I lay there praying to God, begging God to please bring my baby back...give me a sign...something...I mean just pathetic really. And then today...after 4 days...he calls. This was the conversation: Him - Hey how ya doin'? Me - I'm fine. Him - How is S****** (I had emailed him Saturday about the accident). Me - He's better. Him - How are the kids holding up? Me - They are good. Him - Alright...I was just checking in...I'm at work so I can't really talk... Me - Okay bye...(Click). Now what? Was that the sign I prayed and begged God for lastnight? Or am I thinking too much again? See this is ridiculous...I mean was that 2 minute conversation enough to consider myself "contacted" within the 2 weeks? I was thinking when she said give him 2 weeks that if he called it would at least consist of a conversation about us? Do I need to slow down? Am I asking for too much all at once? See there I go...thinking again...I think I need therapy...Hell I am driving myself crazy...this is a blog right? (In my best Jim Carrey/Mask voice...Somebody stop me!!!)

Me 

Missing...

Once again I am missing "him". The good thing is I am not calling him...lol...using my blog as therapy. This has been a very trying week for me. I have been sick for about...gosh...2 weeks I guess and on Thursday I find out I have walking pnuemonia. Friday...well...he called and I thought we were going to have a civil conversation...BUT...it got ugly quick. Saturday...my ex-husband was shot in a hunting accident. It's funny how many emotions run through the mind when tragedy strikes. He's going to be fine...but at the time it was very scary...I will always have deep feelings for him...I mean damn we have 2 children. He has a current girlfriend and obvioulsy a mother...but he called me first...I love the bond we have now. Man it took a long time to get where he and I are...great friends. Life is so full of changes and I keep saying I am not psychotic and at the same time I am thinking maybe I am. I have done so many things that are out of character for me lately that I just need to get "me" back. One thing I need is to know how and why I lost "me" in the first place. I really thought I was stronger than the person I have become. I have an ex-fiance that I am still very close to. When he and I parted it was mutual. We talk all the time and when my current situation started getting out of control I called him for some advice. I wanted to know what it is about me that I can't seem to get any relationship right. He proceeded to tell me that none of my relationship dramas ended with me at fault. Now, I beg to differ...not saying I am the only blame, but I have to take ownership to the part I played. Anyway long story short...we talked and I got a little insight. I think one issue I have is I love really deep...if that makes any sense. What I mean is when I love someone...I give them all of me...and I just assume they are giving me all of them...not the case...I am giving them the "super size"...they are giving me the "value meal". So now here we are...I am talking to him Saturday and he proceeds to tell me he has never stopped loving me and if I ask him to come "home" he'll come here to live and be with me. It would be so easy...BUT I can't do that...I still care for him...A LOT!!! But that would not be fair to him or me...my heart is with someone else right now. I told him this and the fool said...when you are ready to come get I'll be here. He seems to think that had he followed through with our plans my heart would not be broken right now and a couple of my medical conditions would not be present...RIDICULOUS!!! I believe everything happens for a reason and I think my thousands of "why me?" questions will be answered in due time...

Everytime the Pain Lessens

Why is it that every time I come to terms with it being "over" you call and you want absolutely nothing. You usually talk a whole 2 minutes, just enough to fuck up my rythmn. I keep saying I am not going to answer the phone, but then I think what if I don't answer and this is the call where he says he's sorry and everything is going to be okay. Why do I even care if this is THE phone call? I have got to find a way to let go and move on. I have to find a way to tell you come get your things and please change your mailing address because what we had is over. I have done this before. I know the pain only lasts a little while. I think it is the whole starting over crap I am not looking forward to. Seems like every time it's time to start over I have even more obstacles in my life. Oh Jesus please...everyone tells me you answer prayers...can I get one answered please? I want to be happy, can I have that? For longer than 6 months?

Where Do I Start?

We'll call this "Healing Time"...

I am a little nervous about blogging, but my mind needs an outlet. My emotions are so contorted right now I am not sure who I am anymore. I know who I want to be...so I am hoping by the use of my blog...I can find her and be her.

My life has not been all bad, but most of my relationships have. They start out wonderful beyond explanation and then 6 months - a year poof...shit starts happening. I am not seeking a pity party, just pure honesty. I am the common denominator in every realtionship. People who are close to me say it is not my fault, but I am telling you it is...what am I doing? I am not sure. I hope that by blogging I might find that answer so I can correct it and have a "happily everafter" type relationship.

Okay so this is my first...it's short and sweet, but there will be more...much, much more...